Research tells us repeatedly that the key to a happy life is good quality relationships, and at the heart of that, is our family. We are bombarded with messages about how important family life is, how we should treasure the finite time we have with them, and spend every effort to strengthen these bonds of blood.
But for many of us who haven’t yet got kids, or don’t plan on starting a family, there’s an awkward truth… many of us have real trouble liking our family, let alone loving them. After all, you don’t choose your family, you’re kinda stuck with them.
“Many of us have real trouble liking our family, let alone loving them”
On the extreme end of the scale, some parents boot their kids out for all sorts of reasons, and many end up on the streets sleeping rough. Some patch things up and others just drift away. And there are many more moderate forms of family bonds breaking down or dissolving over time.
My family has always been quite distant, or you might say “independent”. My sister and I have moved around the country since 18 for different education and jobs so haven’t lived in the same area for decades and see each other sporadically. We get on, but most meet ups are a catch up on months of missed action.
And my parents have lived abroad for most of my adult life, including the early twenties, which were a struggle. They are perfectly nice people for sure, but they don’t really know me and I don’t really know them, and we don’t have that much in common. I certainly respect my parents, they did their best to bring up two kids as best they could, but in terms of an adult-to-adult relationship, feelings of love or warmth; its feels hard to say, but there’s not a lot there. I feel far more strongly towards past partners or current friends for example, people who I’ve shared significant moments of my adult life with, the ups and downs.
“If we have little shared experience in our adult lives, is it a surprise we’re devoid of honest feelings?”
So what should I do in this situation? I’ve tried to build some bridges, made some effort to share a Christmas or two, did a family WattsApp group, but we’ve formed these “independent” habits over decades and they are hard to break. If we have little shared experience in our adult lives, is it a surprise i’m devoid of feeling? Are we simply familiar strangers, familiar from a time we were forced to live together until adulthood, and strangers from that point on?
Should we accept that we’re very different people and let the relationships wilt on the vine, or dig in for the sake of duty, producing commendable actions but devoid of honest feeling?
Let me know if you’ve ever felt similar or have advice on what to do.
Men's Mental Health 